"Life is not an Emergency" - voskamp

#28 sky writing - natures billboard

#29 kids who adamantly insist stickers are most definitely tattoos

#30 sitting on an alligator

#31 those silly big boards you stick your head in to become part of the picture

#32 my child sleeping in the restaurant ensuring my claim on a semi adult dining experience

Thankfulness

 #10 - spontaneous, unabashed, demonstrations of love showered on me by my children

 #20 - the indulgence of cable TV whenever we travel from home

 #21 - seeing the joy on my boy's face when he rides his 2 wheeler without training wheels for the first time

 #25 - peachy clouds soaking up the sunset

God's gifts #1 - 3

1. my husband speaking back words of gentleness and grace instead of dishing back some of what I just said

2. The feeling of a sleeping baby on my chest (or hubbys!) knowing we make her feel safe

3. the chance to hear the palm trees dancing in the middle of January

1000 Gifts - A Love Dare

My life is beautiful, so full of abundant gifts that I am frequently made achingly aware of when something very mundane and common happens, a child's squeal of happiness, the sun hitting the clouds just the right way, my husbands hand grabbing mine and I am struck in the moment. Fully available in that moment my senses are overcome with the true wonder that surrounds me, that has been always there waiting quietly under the cacophony of noise and movement, waiting to be seen, and drunk in, and most of all to be given thanks for. But at certain times I have a hard time discerning the ordinary beauty in my life when my heart is not attuned to listen for it and catch it amidst all that is the typical chaos of a home with three children 5 and under. How do I stop to revel in the gift that is the present moment and see behind the curtain of commotion to the only truth that will bring real joy - the hundreds of small gifts God gives me everyday that will fill me up if only I stop, see, hear, touch, feel, taste and bask in the glow of gratitude for it all.

 So I have chosen to create my own list of 1000 Gifts based on the idea of the book by Ann Voskamp. I know this list will be a reminder to practice the art of gratitude in the small, ordinary things, and that can be life changing. Not sure if i will simply journal my list or blog my list. I just know this is something God is urging me to do, to focus my perspective on the importance of thanksgiving.

It's A WHAT!!

I have two beautiful, wonderful little boys I would not change a thing about, and we found out I was pregnant with a third. I have always told myself I would rather have all boys as little girls just seem more fragile, as if there are so many more things they need protection from out in this world. Having dealt with sexual abuse when younger I always feared having a daughter would turn me into a neurotic over protective mother who never let her daughter out of her sight lest something similar ever happen to her. I know boys can be victims too but I did not have these kind of thoughts when I knew I was having boys. So I tried to convince myself I only wanted boys and I was sure this one was going to be a boy too.I just felt it in my gut.

But then I felt a tugging at my heart, oh to have a sweet little girl to do sweet little girl things with. To be the one my daughter would call first when she found out she was pregnant and want at her side when her little baby was born. I envision this because even after a very rough patch relationship wise with my mother she was the one I wanted to tell when I got pregnant and she was the one I wanted to stay with me after my babies were born. So I let myself begin to dream about what it would really be like to have a little girl. I thought about my husband and what an amazing daughter he could raise and how I could witness a father daughter relationship before my eyes the way God meant it to be. Protector, encourager, defender. But then I worried about how disappointed I would feel if I found out it was not a girl, so I played head games with myself and utterly convinced myself I was having a boy so when the tech said "Its a boy!" I could reply "See I knew it all along!"

Finally I got to the right place. A few days before we found out what we were having I peacefully talked to God and told him that I knew he would give us the child, boy or girl, that would fit perfectly into our family, that would be what I needed in my life. And then I was at peace knowing I would not be fearful or disappointed what ever the baby's sex because God could see the big picture and knew what was best for our family. But I cannot describe my feelings of elation and thankfulness to God when the tech said "Its a Girl!" I thanked God feeling like I had just gotten the best Christmas present ever. Come to think of it, maybe I just wanted a girl because it would be nice to have someone else in the house that pees sitting down and doesnt get it everywhere!

Dandelion

I am driving and I see a young high school girl walking down the sidewalk and i think..oh you poor thing -- if only you knew now what you will know in 15 years. Oh my dear self if only you knew at 16, 17, 18, 19, 20 what you know now.

How your perspective would be so different, how confidently you could have strode out of that horribly abusive relationship. How you wouldn't have always said "I will never have children" out of fear that something terrible would happen to them as it happened to you. How you could have seen having a perfect 4.0 in college does not mean your life will be perfect...how i would have not cared about performing to earn my parents love as they are so far from perfect themselves as i have so found. How i would have walked around brilliantly and confidently and so seeing the big picture and hopelessness and feelings of helplessness would be powerless over me.

But that is not how life is constructed. We go through those vulnerable teenage years without the benefit of life experience, without realizing what others think is in reality so unimportant. We don't know that the things we give such heavy weight to are so forgettable, why do they seem like such life and death.

So i remember that now, the things that seem so lung compressing, anxiety producing, may not be all that important in a years time, and i whisper a quiet prayer to God for wisdom - to give me eyes for what will matter in my legacy and which issues will blow away like the dandelion seeds, disappearing in the wind forever.

FOLLOW THROUGH NUMBER ONE

So I have been thinking a lot about my word of 2011 - follow through - and the importance of following through - no pun intended - on what it all really means. Sure its great to have a "word of the year" but what good is it except to look so on top of everything you even have an annual word if nothing really comes of it. And here is where the problem lies, I chose the word follow-through because that is an area I would love to edify in myself, but obviously this is at times a very weak area for me and so the cycle begins. I believe I need to get a little more specific. What does follow through mean to me. It may mean completely different things to different people. And since I so love lists they make my little heart aflutter as I write them, organizing what I feel are the loose strings in my mind - here is the first thing on my list of what is most important to me to follow through on and be consistent with.

1. My Daily Time With God

I am just so tired of the cycle and feeling like a failure in this area. I know it too well, God touches my heart in a whisper, or a song, or a sermon, or a book, and I am emotional, feeling how he truly does care about the things in my life, and I truly desire to draw close to him, to be in love with him, to make spending time with him in devotions, prayer, listening to praise music, just being silent, the TOP priority of my day, my life. I know spending this time with God will only benefit me to, keeping my attitude right, giving me the perspective I so desperately need at times.

So I start setting the alarm and arising early and sharing the quiet morning time with him, and I am refreshed and refueled, and more patient. Then some of the emotion fades, and I know my relationship with God is not based on how I feel but it is such a motivating force. And life takes over - a fussy baby kept me awake from 1 am to 3 am I cant get out of bed this morning, it is just so cold I just want to stay in bed, blah blah blah. Until I realize its been a week of missed quiet morning time and with each missed morning the next one seems easier to miss. Its not that I cant talk with God throughout the day but if i miss that golden quiet morning time its not quiet the same with two rambunctious boys, two dogs, a cat, and a spontaneous husband to contend with.

I want to follow through consistently with my quiet time with God. And I will. I have to be careful to not get too caught up in black and white all or nothing thinking which is so me.

Dear God - I believe you want me to be successful in achieving a consistent quiet time to hear your voice. You have so many things you to share with me through your word, music, or a quiet whisper. Please give me your strength when mine is non existent to prompt me out of bed in the morning. Please remind me of how much you completely love me and blow on the flame of love I have for you, knowing any relationship that I desire to become stronger is one I need to spend time on. Thank you for all your grace and your willingness to forgive me again when I feel like Ive let you down again and am just a big failure, hopeless. Thank you for seeing something better in me than I can glimpse in myself. Thank you